May 31, 2013

SCN: Nefarious Xylophone Tactics

So, I've been enjoying Raw and Smackdown lately.  Not going crazy for them, but The Shield rules and they get a lot of TV time, so I'm happy.  But this post is about the WWE program which I get the most excited about overall-- NXT.  It isn't the wrestling or the promos, I mostly get excited about the potential, before it can be diluted and mucked up by a committee of soap-opera-writing eggheads.  Also, Brad Maddox's color commentary is delightful, and he should replace Jerry Lawler posthaste.

There are spoilers in this post, but nothing major.

1st match:  Wyatt Family vs. Jobbers
I thought the two guys making their virgin appearance on NXT looked like they had potential.  The one with tattoos actually looked pretty menacing, although the other just looked pretty.  Like a poor man's Adam Cole.  In the case of the Wyatt Family, I feel like Luke Harper carries the fuck out of Eric Rowan.  I hope that I'm wrong about that.  Either way, WHEN they come up to the main roster (day after Payback?) they can start recruiting more guys anyway.  Fingers crossed for Big Brodus.

Stephanie McMahon announces NXT Diva's title
At one point during her monologue, Mrs. Thegame referred to it as a "women's championship", which gave the belt a fleeting moment of actual dignity.  It made me happy, until I remembered how the WWE actually books their female talent.

2nd match:  Emma vs. Audrey Marie
I was really disappointed when Audrey Marie was let go from developmental last month (NXT is pre-taped way in advance).  Fortunately, Emma's still on the team, and the Emmalution is running strong.  Women's matches on NXT have been really fun to watch since Sara Del Rey's been training, as evidenced by Emma's finisher, an inverted STF (aka the Muta Lock, aka the Emma Lock).  I guess you could say Keiji's being Emmatated.

One of the reasons I root for Emma is because I used to watch her on Lance Storm's old reality show World of Hurt, which was kind of like Tough Enough except it was way more real.  (side note: one of my favorite Lance Storm quotes is "The only thing more fake than pro wrestling is reality TV.")  The show followed about 8 mostly-trained wrestlers as they got more trained by the [other] technical expert from Calgary.  Another one of the trainees made his NXT debut this week, in the role of a manager.

3rd match:  Redneck Tag Team (managed by Sylvester Lefort) vs. Another Tag Team
Even though he didn't do much, this match was all about Sylvester Lefort.  On World of Hurt, his character was the French Stallion, an oily and arrogant French alphamale who by all appearances seemed to live the gimmick.  He was reliably the scene-stealer of the show, and I can't wait to see where he goes in the WWE.

4th match: Derrick Bateman vs. Big E Langston
Bateman was released at the same time as Audrey Marie.  I won't miss him at all, but I do feel kind of bad that he was let go just after he FINALLY cut off that nardy pube-fro.

5th match: 18 man battle royale for #1 contendership for NXT title
So much green you could have mowed that ring.  Obviously, I'm not going to spec every aspect and participant in this, so I'll try to stick to bullet points.
-Briley Pierce and Sakamoto were also recent fires (fyi).
-Adrian Neville is already way more over than I thought he'd be (due to size/ears), but I'm glad I was wrong and of course can't wait to see him on regular TV.
-A little worried Kassius Ohno will never get there, or will only be sparingly used as an experienced guy who can help get younger, less talented guys over.
-Mason Ryan is as godawful as ever.
-Bray Wyatt's new look as the Phantom of the Butchershop isn't nearly as cool as his old Max Cady outfit.
-"Sister Abigail" is the best name for a finisher I have ever heard.  Unfortunately, as soon as Michael Cole says it, it will lose a mighty fraction of its coolness.

May 23, 2013

today's NXT

One not to miss...

May 19, 2013

Extreme Rules Preview!

Hello. Poncho Man coming to you from beautiful Eugene, Oregon with a special report on tonight's Extreme Rules PPV. Yay! Content!

The Miz vs. Cody Rhodes
Pre-Show. I'll watch this. Who cares?

Fandango vs. Chris Jericho
Should I care? You haven't really given me good reason to care? Think Fandango wins again? I don't know?

Randy Orton vs. Big Show- Extreme Rules Match
Man, they are so angry. Can't beat The Shield, so we get angrier. Now they're Extremely Angry.

Sheamus vs. Mark Henry - Strap Match
I hope Mark Henry knocks him out and drags him around the ring and the match is 2 minutes long. Because that's what he does.

Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins vs. Team Hell No - Tag Team Tornado Match
They've done nothing to tease Team Hell No breaking up and feuding. If they lose, it will be really stupid. Yes, The Shield is awesome and deserve the big push, but there is nothing that actually makes this a good story.

Dean Ambrose vs. Kofi Kingston - U.S. Title Match
Man, Kofi is so badass that he beat Cesaro (not on the PPV) who held the belt for like 300 days or something. Now, Kofi will lose his belt a few weeks later. Maybe he'll turn heel. Kofi with personality? Really?

Alberto Del Rio vs. Jack Swagger - I Quit Match
So milquetoast that it has no reason to exist. I have no real love for either of these guys, but at least Swagger's character has personality (only due to Zeb Colter). Can't wait for one of the managers to throw in the towel to cause controversy even though the audience doesn't give a shit.

John Cena vs. The Ryback - Last Man Standing
How will Super Cena win with a bad Achilles? Well, he'll run down to the ring. Pretend he's fine. Get beat up. Shuffle his knuckles. Pick the Ryback up. Adjust his attitude. Finally, he'll do something stupid like throw The Ryback into electrical equipment and he'll die from electrocution. Then The Ryback will be back tomorrow.

Triple H vs. Ba-Rock Les-Narrr - Old Fashioned Steel Cage Match
The only match on the entire card I really care about. Guess what though!!? It has no effect on the WWE. Neither of these guys are in title contention. They both won't wrestle til SummerSlam. Hopefully Brock wins so he doesn't look like a weenie.

Hopes: RVD. This is Extreme Rules. We need a Paul Heyman guy. They need something exciting to make this PPV matter. He also has reason to hate John Cena (If Cena Wins, We Riot) and Ryback (he stole his outfit). I know this won't's to hoping.

Miffs: No Cesaro. I guess he's too "boring."
         Big E not being in the Del Rio/Swagger match. Big E's promos have already won me over. And he's a
tweener. He's a good guy on NXT (5! 5!) and a bad guy on the main roster.

Ultimately, it doesn't matter. No wonder this site is so dead lately. Look at what we're being force fed.

Pretty soon all we're going to talk about is Chikara.

I'm being a pessimist.